Tuesday, 12 May 2015

Something I'll Never Know


*** This has probably been blogged about an uncountable amount of times but I wrote this like two weeks ago at stupid o' clock in the morning when I was crying a lot so probably blame hormones. I will probably reread this and cringe in a matter of days but hey, it has some truth to it *** 

One of the strangest concepts I'll never understand, is the idea, glory and desire of 'fitting in'.
A few weeks ago during one of the workshops in school, we had the opportunity to write down two anonymous questions each for the class to discuss at the end of the day and of course, I wasn't going to miss the chance to throw shade at half the population so I write down 

Why does everyone care about fitting in 

It ends up being one of the questions read out and I mutter to my friend "That was my question" to which she responds with something along the lines of that she knew, and the whole class are putting forward reasons for wanting to fit in and I'm just here in my head like 'no. I didn't mean wanting to have friends, I mean wanting to fit in. There's a difference.' Or at least in my careless brain there is. 
In my opinion, there is nothing more damaging than the overwhelming desire to fit in. I'm still only sixteen - a teenager - but like basically every adolescent ever, I've wasted so much of my childhood desperately trying to fit in or worse still, to stay in, it's not even worth going into large detail. For some of my primary school years I was far from a saint and now that I look back, I feel I pressurised people to have certain interests in order to stay in a friend circle at lunchtime or made it hard for them to join in anyway. Karma bit me in the butt anyway as it does for everyone, as I spent the latter of my primary school years practically studying book trilogies or pretending to like certain singers in a bid to fit in or not to lose friends. When I got to first year, it got even worse as I didn't fit in anyway so I bought a Blackberry which did more harm than good and fawned over hair dye and Adidas hoodies in the shops - neither of which I bought in the end, thank god. Even now, there are times where I have to give myself a slap on the wrist to wake the heck up because I waste too much time trying to be friends with someone. Moral of this paragraph, every teenager goes through the whole trying to fit in phase since everyone wants to be accepted or to have a shoulder to cry on.

I think the whole concept becomes a problem when it's no longer a phase and eight years later, you're still trying to fit in with the same people who wouldn't accept you at eight and you have a bloody identity crisis because you aren't even you anymore yet still, no one will accept the faux you. 'Wow, that escalated quickly. That's deep, man' you may be thinking but I'm not over-exaggerating here ! So here's a comparison to demonstrate how ridiculous the whole glory around fitting in is 

I'm trying to fit in with these people
I'm trying to be accepted by these people
I'm trying to be asserted by these people 
I'm trying to be loved by these people 

Do any of the above sentences make the slightest amount of logical sense to you ? Do any of the above sentences appear attractive to you ? Do any of the above sentences seem right to you ? They don't to me, anyway.

So, thanks to my shite sensory integration issues, I am one of these people seriously lacking in both social awareness and skills. I rarely feel 100% comfortable around anyone, I am crap at expressing my love and respect for people and most of all, 

I have never felt like I fit in

The last thing could be a general teenager thing, I generally pass it off in my head as that but it's can be quite an unsettling feeling. Every feeling of being part of something is temporary and once that moment is over, bam ! we're back to not feeling an awful lot again. That's not to say I don't 'fit in' to at least one group, because I do, if I think for a split second I know I do, and that is my whole point. Unless I think about it for long enough, an awful, regular habit of mine

I don't care 

Because I do, I'll believe that I don't fit in and that's worse than a feeling ! So I don't let it bother me and it becomes something quite materialistic and a foreign concept that my brain throws up once it enters my head. And through all the times, when my confidence was sky high, when I had no friends, when self esteem didn't exist and when I made a bunch of friends, I guess the correct way to put it is that 

I've never known if I fit in

And people say that it is the fear of the unknown that unsettles us and by god, it does at the best of times, but I like to think that sometimes you are better off not knowing these things because then you're at peace with yourself, the cloud passes over your head without you even noticing and you become strangely okay with the idea of being accepted or not and you don't feel the need to try, it kind of becomes irrelevant almost - unless you practise my brilliant hobby of over-thinking, cue crying at 1am "I WANT TO FIT IN, I DO" okay, Grace, go to bloody sleep. 

This whole post, as always, has gone in a different direction altogether where I begin to ramble so back to my lovely question that my peers did not understand

Why does everyone care about fitting in
 cue me putting on my parent hat as I'm about to say 

BE YOURSELF 

For god sake people, the most talented of performers will tell you that it is difficult to keep up an act and you're not even getting paid real money for this, only invites to the cinema where you don't even watch the film or parties where you get shitfaced or whatever these tribes do so embrace your looks, quirks, interests and so on as the road to high self esteem and confidence won't be as rocky as keeping up an image to impress others because then it's only their self esteem and confidence that you're lifting, not yours. You should have to try hard and make alterations in order to be accepted, love comes naturally, it's an emotion you shouldn't have to seek from people. Wearing my typical-parent-sayings-even-though-I'm-not-a-parent-or-responsible-adult hat again, anyone who doesn't appreciate you for the real you isn't worth sticking around with, let alone changing for ! Friendship, family relationships if you want to add that, any kind of relationship isn't plain sailing - YES, METAPHORS PEOPLE, ISN'T THIS BRILLIANT - and like I always say, there are going to be things about you people don't like and there will be things about people you don't like but that doesn't mean that anyone has to change because at that stage we'll all be A4 lined copies of each other. 

On a final note, if you do get caught in the herd, at least gallop rather than run or spray your wool a different colour, please ! And wear a paper crown, just to disrupt the social hierarchy.

Wow this whole post was so deep and cliche, 

Grace x 

2 comments:

  1. It's a tough thing. I think a lot of people want to fit in because it is easier - not because it actually means anything. It's great that you are questioning that. It shows that you are not a follower....you are a leader! That is a remarkable thing. Being yourself and daring to be different means so much more.
    the-creationofbeauty.blogspot.com

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    1. So true - it can be so much easier ! And thanks so much <3 means a lot :)

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